One Liners

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ParaDOX Posted: 04-30-2007 10:18 PM

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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11. Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, Why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness:  That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23. Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere!
24. They call it PMS because MadCow disease was already taken.
25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27. Ham and eggs  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

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Scanner replied on 05-01-2007 10:00 AM

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31. Just because I'm PARAnoid doesn't mean everyone isn't out to get me.

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Rush Retrospective replied on 05-01-2007 2:44 PM

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32. Im not insane, I just posted this thread in the Avatar and Signature Testing forum

moved to humour 

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Mr Luzcious replied on 05-01-2007 11:55 PM

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33. Police station toilet stolen, officers have nothing to go on. 

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Reign replied on 05-03-2007 11:39 PM

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35.  Boss : "Thats a nice tree"  Employee: "it's in Andy's Row"  Boss: "Was a nice tree"

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INOX replied on 05-04-2007 8:38 AM

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ummmmmmm   what?

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ParaDOX replied on 05-05-2007 2:03 PM

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INOX:

ummmmmmm   what?

I didn't get it either....

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Doded replied on 05-05-2007 6:31 PM

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34. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
36. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
37. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 !
38. I don't like discussions, for that i'm always right.
39. Duck tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

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ParaDOX replied on 05-10-2007 5:26 PM

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1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. He stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.  Then it dawned on him.
3. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
4. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
5. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
10. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
17. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
19. What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).
20. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
21. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
22. A backward poet writes inverse.
23. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
24. I'm tired of sit-ups ... The waist is a terrible thing to mind!
25. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
26. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
27. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
28. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
29. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
30. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully covered.
31. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France; the result: Linoleum Blownapart.
32. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
33. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
34. A calendar's days are numbered.
35. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
36. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
37. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
38. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
39. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
40. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
41. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
42. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
43. Acupuncture: A jab well done.

Sorry, I didn't feel like manually putting them in order with the others...